If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
