I will die if light touches me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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