this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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