You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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