Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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