i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
