So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
