i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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