Nicole vs. Life
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
