jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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