I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
