So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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