This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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