Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
