so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
