I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
