Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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