there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
