Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize