Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize