I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
