I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
