he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
we're so committed to being not committed
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
