I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
