is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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