so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize