4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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