I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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