my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
