walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
