Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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