Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just want to make out with him forever
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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