There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize