I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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