Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
