i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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