i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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