The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
