the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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