i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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