If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize