i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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