Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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