i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
