i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Randomize
