my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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