I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
