Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
