When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
