At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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