yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
