It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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