holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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