I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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