checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
