wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
