When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dear god my vagina.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
