The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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