I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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