at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
